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Saturday, December 29, 2012

12 & 13 Weeks Pregnant
So, my 12th & 13th weeks were some of the easiest so far, but somehow I never got around to writing about them...maybe because it was my mornings that were great, and my evenings were pretty awful, not every evening, but a lot of them.

My constipation disappeared too.  I didn't even do much differently, although it came around a time that I started eating less vegetables (I was eating salads every day and suddenly they stopped agreeing with me).  I'm still eating lots of Macintosh apples, though.  I had a couple of days (mornings) where I felt so good that I ate a couple of normal things.  On the Saturday before Christmas we all went shopping and I felt so good that morning that I ran around the house doing lots and lots of chores.  On Christmas Eve, I was also feeling fantastically most of the day.  I cleaned dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen (woah!) and baked three dishes--cookies, coffee cake, and meatloaf.  However, my indigestion (I'm not sure even if that's what it is, but it's a queasiness that seems to be an excess of sweetish acid in my stomach) is heightened by grains and sugars and stuff--the food that most people eat all the time-- so I discovered that if I stick to apples and protein (meatloaf and omelets and cheese) my stomach feels pretty good.  I also discovered that spearmint leaf candy and these weird strawberry laces candy that I found at the Mennonite store seem to quell the acidy feeling I get 10-30 minutes after eating.

Overall, though, everything is getting better.  I have seemed to continue a pattern of throwing up about once a week, but overall I'm not too nauseated.  Queasy, yes.  Not nauseated.  The queasy feeling is awful, though.  It's not that I'm feeling HORRIBLY, but I'm just uncomfortable enough not to be able to be myself most of the time.  Blah.  I just want it all to go away.  I just want to feel better, or find some medicine that helps things.  I'm thinking once the holiday ends and my midwife is back in her office (I don't even know if she took a vacation, actually) I'll ask her if we can try a different type of medicine.  I mean, I could try the Zantac again--it was a huge success with Bunny's pregnancy, but since I vomited so much on this one I'm afraid to try it.  Actually, I'm afraid to change much since it's only my meds that are keeping me from experiencing HG again.  I mean, I guess I'm still "experiencing" it, but I'm no longer vomiting in copious amounts.  Even on the meds, though, I've felt deathly ill until week 12 and 13.  And now I just feel slightly to moderately miserable.  I'm just praying that soon, very soon, I'll be over this part and to the glowing part.  I mean, I was sick in some capacity all 9 months with Noelle, but I remember glowing, happy times too.  I remember gaining back the capacity to clean my house on a regular basis, and to teach without gagging. I remember happy moments amidst the miserability that is pregnancy.  I'm just praying and hoping they come back with this one (and I'm trying very hard to have a good and accepting attitude about it since I did beg God for this child even though I knew that I might experience awful morning sickness again.

Today, for the first time, I am pleased to say that I did not take Zofran this morning and I'm feeling just as well without it as I did with it on all the days prior.  I guess that's a good thing.  Zofran doesn't take away the queasy feeling, but the sudden need to vomit and do it now disappears with it unless I've eaten something that my body really doesn't want to digest, in which case, I'll vomit anyway.

I believe I first felt the baby move at 9-10 weeks (and I'm sure I wrote about it here too), but I'm feeling him/her more and more and finally having a handful of moments where I feel I'm bonding with the human inside of me.  I feel the baby between 0-3 times a day and it's always, "Was that really the baby or just gas?"  I mean, I can usually differentiate the two based upon where I feel the stirrings, but still, s/he's so small that those movements are hard to distinguish.  I keep praying to feel it move because it will be February until my next midwife appointment and that's a long time until I can hear the heartbeat and feel signs of life again.  Besides, on days when I have long spans of time without morning sickness, there's nothing much to let me know that my baby is still living.  Maybe I'm crazy but I just get worried that he or she has stopped living--that I've done something to hurt him/her.  Dave says I worry too much and he's right and honestly I'm not nearly as worried as I would be with Bunny--there would be days I'd be worried to tears with her.  It's just, maybe this is selfish, but I've been through such an awful ordeal so far, and ticked so many weeks off my "time" that I can't bear to miscarry at this point and have to start it all over again.  It's more than that, of course.  I think any woman, no matter how much she's attached herself to her unborn baby, loves that baby with the fierce maternal instinct that God placed inside her.  I mean, we've already discussed names and nursery plans and future Christmases and family portraits with our new baby in mind. I didn't come this far not to be able to hold him in my arms.

Bunny is doing much better.  Can't say the same about my parenting skills, though they are improving somewhat as my overall feeling improves.  We've had more moments where I've been able to play with her--barbies, card games, dress-up, painting--and I'm so grateful for that.  But when I'm feeling especially poorly, I have so little patience for her and I spend so much time apologizing for being grumpy or short with her.  I don't know how much of that she can comprehend.  But she has adjusted to things as they are.  She has been so kind, selfless, and caring.  She's been more obedient when I ask her to put her toys away or go pee on the potty.  She's always a joy, even when she's a booger, but these past couple of weeks, she's really adjusted to things.  One of my sisters asked me if I was feeling better and Bunny chimed in quickly and incredulously, "No, she's not feeling better because she still has a baby in her tummy!"  My little precious.  What would I do without her sweetness to wrap around my heart?  I don't know. She's my treasure.  My princess.  My life wouldn't be complete without her smiles, giggles, stories, and songs.  I look at her so often and I wonder what her sibling will look like.  It's nice to have an idea this time.  With the first one, you don't really know how he or she is going to come out and who they're going to favor.  With the second one, at least you get an idea.  I cant imagine how much I'll love TWO little adorable people.

I don't know what else to say.  This was supposed to be a more uplifting post about how things are looking up but at the moment I'm feeling queasy and frustrated so it didn't turn out that way.  They are looking up, though.  I guess what frustrates me is that I just want to be normal now and I still have such a long way to go.  July is so far away still...

Saturday, December 15, 2012

11 Weeks

Almost there, almost there (and when I say that, I mean almost to the end of the morning sickness, not the pregnancy ) 

This week was characterized by a shift in the morning sickness.  There were moments--mornings especially where I felt even more human than normal.  It wasn't all day, it wasn't every day, but it was enough to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I also made the amazing discovery that spearmint leaf candy is a wonderful cure for indigestion.  They work better than tums for me, and I got official permission from my midwife to use them any time I need to.

I still feel little stirrings that I'm sure are the baby.  I can't say they're more often than before, but I feel them every day or every couple of days.  I know this is so early for this but I also know what I'm feeling.

I wake up in the mornings feeling slightly better than I did the previous weeks and every day so far this week I've just taken the Protonix (for acid) and I've tried to avoid the Zofran (for nausea) because it's so expensive (and we get the generic brand so it's only $67 for 15 pills, down from $1,000 for the same amount of brand name) but so far, I'm always driven to have to take it.  The  most important thing for me is to keep things down.  The Zofran helps me keep down the Protonix which helps my stomach to be welcoming enough to food that everything stays down more permanently.  Then of course, there's the colace I have to keep taking since I'm still ridiculously constipated despite reason and the prenatal vitamins.  I'm almost done with the suppositories, though.  I feel torn about that because I'm half afraid that the bleeding will come back without them. 

I finally got to hear the hearbeat this week.  I have an anterior cervix which means my uterus leans back (my chiropractor told me that with Bunny and my OB doctors told me he was crazy but my midwife confirmed it which just confirmed my belief that medical doctors aren't always all there).  This means that a heartbeat is more difficult to find.  With Bunny, when I went to the OBGYN, they always looked for the heartbeat, gave up and pulled out the little ultrasound machine.  But my midwife doesn't seem to have one in her office and she was much more persistent in looking for the heartbeat.  I was so afraid there wouldn't be one because for 11 weeks, the only confirmation I've gotten was the pregnancy test.  Come to think of it, I did the hospital blood tests a few weeks ago, but I didn't have any calls about them or anything so I didn't really know more than the pregnancy test.  But after about a minute of searching, it was there, strong and fast at 174 beats per minute.  I started tearing up immediately but then I didn't want to cry in front of the midwife or my daughter so I stopped myself.  It was the most beautiful sound I could have ever heard and just the confirmation I needed to be able to focus mentally on more than my extreme sickness.

My midwife also told me that I'm probably slightly dehydrated and that it seems that my body hasn't fully been able to recover from what it's been going through.  She said that this is evidenced by my cloudy pee and by a slightly elevated temperature.  It's frustrating because drinking too much causes indigestion to flare up which threatens to make me vomit and lose any moisture I previously had.  Also, the persistent AWFUL taste in my mouth makes drinking water (which I normally love) a horrible experience.  But today I've worked really hard to drink lots and I've actually been peeing frequently and my urine is coming out closer to clear than to a deep yellow, which is a good sign.  But today, my nausea is slightly abated from a 9 to a 7 or so which makes keeping water down much easier.  Everything is a double edged sword in this pregnancy.  Everything. 

Noelle has had some heartbreaking moments, let me tell you.  On Tuesday I was feeling particularly well and got to spend more time with her and more time getting house chores done (so my exhausted husband would be able to just come home and rest) and she took it as a chance to act out.  Bunny has her moments, but over all she is a sweet, loving, and very considerate child.  But Tuesday she was having dramatic episodes of running away from me weeping and then throwing herself into dark corners of the house like her bed, my bed, or under the kitchen table and not letting me talk to her.  I followed after her each time holding her and talking to her and she'd pull away and do it again.  It usually came after I'd asked her not to touch the Christmas tree or to please pick up the orange peel she'd just thrown on the living room floor.  She didn't want to obey me which would lead to me threatening timeout which would lead to her dramatic exit from my presence.  Finally, I stopped talking and I just rubbed her hair and sat with her.  It seemed to help a bit.  Then later, I was in the kitchen doing the dishes and she was peeling her orange (she loves to peel oranges, currently) and she suddenly said quite dramatically, "I will NEVER be the same.  I will NEVER be the same!" and she threw her head to the one side with the saddest, most forlorn expression I'd never seen. 
      "Why is that?" I asked?
      "Because you never hold me when you're sick!"  (Poor baby's right. My mommy guilt is intensified with this statement but there's nothing I can do about it when I can't even peel myself off up the couch)
       "Well, I can hold you now.  Do you need me to hold you?"
        "Yeah, for a little bit."  I wanted to tell her that things would go back to normal but I knew I couldn't.  She was right.  So I told her that when the baby came there would also be times that the baby would need to be held and that I wouldn't be able to hold her but it didn't change how much I loved her or how much I wanted to hold her.  I told her that changes usually bring good things.  It's okay never to be the same because she would like the way things would change eventually.  I don't know how much got through to her.  She's still insanely excited about the new baby, but also struggling lots and lots with the immediate changes in her life.  Now granted, I'm thinking that some of this might be because she's three which makes me feel better.  At least, that's what fellow parents of three year olds have assured me.

      On another note, I get to have my first ultrasound! My midwife thinks it's a good idea to check for twins when someone is as sick as I am.  Honestly, I'd be happy either way, twins or not.  I did pray for twins, but I also know that having one would be easier so I'm happy with whatever God thinks I can handle.  What I'm most excited about is a chance to see my baby.  If hearing the heartbeat is amazing, then seeing a baby, in  my opinion, is so much more so.  I'm so, very happy about that!
    One more thing--with hearing the heartbeat, my extremely extroverted self was finally able to post the news on facebook! I did so with this picture, but then I followed it up with uploading my belly pictures which most people saw first.  Oh well.  I tried. 

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Appointment with the GI Doctor

So, I feel I should update.  I went to the GI doctor on Thursday and they told me (much like the ER doctor during my second trip there) that they were 99.9% sure it was internal hemorrhoids. The doctor didn't check me out much, he just listened to me tell my symptoms and how they've improved upon taking hydro-cortisone suppositories.  In fact, up to that point, I'd noticed absolutely no bleeding in conjunction with my bowel movements. 

We left things up in the air about an awake, exploratory proceedure that would involve looking at my lower digestive tract, but since I spotted the teensiest bit of blood this morning, I think I'm going to call and say go ahead and do it.  I just want to be sure that there's nothing cancerous in there, even though the chances of such thing are low due to my age and my health. 

Also, I gained two pounds back since losing 4 at the beginning of my pregnancy.  I'm pretty pleased about that since I've been trying so hard to eat well and to keep things down.  Whew!

I'm sort of curious to know if I have twins in there.  That's always a possibility for sufferers of hyperemesis gravidarum even though the chances for me are low due to my gene pool.  I mean, I did BEG God for twins during the last year that we were unable to get pregnant so who knows? Next Thursday I'm going to my "first" official appointment with my midwife.  We did have a visit back at week 6 or so because of my ridiculous morning sickness, but she didn't examine me or anything.  We only talked.  This time, the baby's heart beat should be strong enough that we can hear it so if nothing else, I'm going to hear the baby's heart beat.  Last time she mentioned possibly doing an ultrasound to check for twins, but we'll see if that actually happens. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

10 weeks

I can't even tell you how happy I am to be in double digits now! I realize that 12 weeks, for me, probably won't mean the end of this morning sickness, but at least it will mean I'm closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.  It also means that I'm 1/4 of the way through this thing, and so much closer to holding the baby that I have yet to comprehend in my arms for the first time.  Sometimes, I think I want the baby to be here more for my daughter than for me.  I want her to have the reward of all these weeks of less attention from Mommy.  I want her to see the reward that she so longs for of a little baby brother or sister to love and or play with.  I think all I want right now (it's sad, but true) is to be at the end of this tunnel so I can feel myself again.  A baby in my arms means that a he or she will no longer be living inside of me.  Again, I really wish I were one of those glowing women who just love being pregnant, but I'm not.  Pregnancy is miserable torture for me with moments of brilliance where I perceive and love the little life that lives inside me and depends upon me.  But, all the same, Dave and I made a decision that we won't use birth control again--that things are in God's hands and we trust Him with them.  I'm tempted to take it all back after this one--not to trust Him and to make sure I don't go through what I think I can't handle, until I remember how faithful He has been to us and how, despite 16 months of trying to get pregnant, we weren't able to do so until we were in a place where we could financially handle it, and in a place where Bunny would be old enough to have a measure of independence during these weeks and/or months of morning sickness.  I want more children and I hate being pregnant.  God knows both of those things, and I trust Him with the final outcome. 

SO this week, I started throwing up again.  Yesterday I threw up twice for the first time since adjusting my meds after my ambulance trip to the ER.  I was so bummed.  Then this morning, I threw up again.  I'm praying that I don't do it once more before bedtime.  The good thing is, that I seem to be keeping some things down.  I'm not throwing up everything like I did at first so hopefully, no more weight loss.  We'll see.  Again, it's in God's hands and I trust Him. 

Speaking of God, my relationship with Him is really suffering.  I miss those peaceful times I had with Him each day during Bunny's naptime in the months before I got pregnant.  Now, I try here and there to reestablish that communion with him, but I'm just so darn sick that I'd rather put on mindless TV.  It's a shame, really.  I'm trying to remedy it, but I'm sort of just waiting this thing out until I feel well enough to focus on God more.  And yes, I do realize that I'm doing this thing backwards.  I'm still working on it.

I have my GI appointment tomorrow.  Not looking forward to yet another doctor's appointment.  Tuesday I had to go to a dentist in a rush with a sudden toothache brought on by a piece of gummy candy I eat once in awhile to help with the nausea.  They discovered a cavity when I went in for my cleaning, but I was already 5 weeks pregnant by that point so they couldn't do an X-ray or anything to see if it was worse than what it looked like from my last X-rays.  They scheduled an appointment to get it filled for January once I'm past my 1st trimester, but anything earlier than that poses a risk to the baby so at this point, all he could do was cover the cavity and seal it to keep things from irritating it until the time is right for them to fix it.  Thankfully, though, that did the trick to assuage the toothache. 

I'm not sure what else I'll have to look forward to this week as far as miserable symptoms go, but next week, I have the appointment with my midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time so I'm excited.  I think--and I emphasize think-- that I felt the baby move yesterday.  I know that moms pregnant for the second time can feel the baby earlier because they know what to look for so I decided to concentrate as I laid still and mentally separated the flutterings of my intestines from those in the area of my uterus.  They were so SO faint, but they were there.  I did feel Bunny first move at 11 weeks, so it's plausible that I'm feeling this one even earlier. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

9 Weeks

The most noteworthy thing that happened this week was that I had what looked like a massive amount of blood in my poop.  It looked like I was on my period.  It was scary, not because I thought I was miscarrying, no, I knew where it was coming from, but because that much blood is not normal.  I already had (have) an appointment with a gastroenterologist because of the blood we noticed after my first ER episode, but when this happened I thought it prudent to call them, and they told me, unfortunately, that I should go to the ER to get it checked out.  Bummer.

My second trip to the ER was much calmer than my first.  I was feeling as well as I can pregnant, and I brought my bag of food and my knitting bag with me so it looked like I was moving in.  I got there and the ER was empty--Praise the Lord!-- so I was seen right away!  The bad news was that they heard my story, checked me out down there quite briefly (and not as thoroughly as my normal doctor had) and said, "We can't really go in there and tell you much.  You'll have to wait til you see a GI doctor."  Great.  So I spent more money on the ER just to be told I shouldn't have gone?  I wasn't too happy.  They did, however do a blood test which came back clear and told me that from all my symptoms, I probably have internal hemorrhoids, which don't hurt at all (true) and which only cause bleeding when one has a bowel movement (also true).  She said that due to my age, anything else would be highly unlikely, though still possible.  So with that, I left with a prescription for suppositories to help the hemorrhoids which, over the course of the week, have seemed to minimize and even eliminate the bleeding. 

The rest of the week, there weren't many more changes.  Some days were better than others.  I didn't vomit at all since my first trip to the ER until yesterday, the 4th, so that's good.  Other than that, I was pretty much feeling queasy most of the time. 

When I could, I made a point of playing with Bunny--any time I was feeling almost normal, or to the point that I could stand such imaginative play.  When I was feeling my worst, I laid down and put on a movie for her to watch.  It's to the point that she wants to watch TV all the time.  I HATE that.  I absolutely hate hate HATE putting her in front of the TV and I am promising myself that when this Hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness) passes, she shall go as many months without TV as she has gone with it.  It's just too much. 

I also discovered, this week, that poor Kate Middleton is suffering from a similar fate as I.  At first I was a bit comforted not to feel alone, but then it made me feel worse, hearing about my condition and it's extremes every time I turn on the TV.  It seems that the princess (or is it duchess?) and I are probably about the same amount of weeks along in our pregnancies--not quite 12 weeks, but too sick to hide it.  Poor girl.  I feel for her.  I'm sort of jealous that she gets such amazing care, and yet I'm glad that the whole world isn't hanging on my every bout of vomiting. 

Teaching is going well.  I have a box of popsicles in a freezer in the classroom across the hall and I eat about three of those throughout the course of my morning (I only teach from 8-noon).  My kids were apprised of the pregnancy way back at 7 weeks because I was too sick to hide it any longer and they're just wonderful, sweet, understanding kids who are being so kind about everything.  Like today, for instance, I was trying to go over the memory verse with the kids and I kept having to catch my breath to keep the nausea away and one of my students jumped up and took over for me.  I could have hugged him right there for his thoughtfulness.  As it was, I said how cute and sweet he was in front of the whole class, effectively embarrassing him and punishing him for his thoughtfulness.  I wish I had tact sometimes.  He didn't seem to mind, though.  He's one of those class-clown types that usually likes any attention, whether negative or positive.  I can relate.  I've always been that way too

As far as eating goes, I'm pretty much safe (so far) if I stick to salads, grapes, apples, eggs, and chocolate almond milk.  Sometimes I throw in some other things, sometimes not.  Usually, anything else--especially grains--just doesn't sit well. 

So that's that.  I wish I weren't complaining.  I don't want to complain, but I'm just so miserable it's hard not to.   

Saturday, November 24, 2012

8 Weeks

Whew, this was a trying week!

Well, towards the beginning of my 8th week, it seemed that Zofran and Zantac seemed to have everything under control, but then the weekend came and I started vomiting again.  Sunday, it was the worse.  I felt horrible and acidic all day long and to top it off I ran out of Zantac after my first dose and I decided not to start the new antacid my midwife suggested until Monday because I didn't want two drugs in my system at the same time.  I don't know if that was a good or a bad idea, but I lost count of how many times I threw up.  It came to the point that I was dry heaving over and over, and I couldn't take anything in anymore.

Then the cramping started.  Awful, gut-wrenching cramps that brought me down to the bathroom floor groaning in agony.  Since this is my second child, I know what contractions feel like and these weren't it, so I was only slightly worried that I might be miscarrying--that, and there was no blood.  I was pretty sure it was my stomach.  It felt like diarrhea cramps, but so much worse than I've ever felt and I started sweating so bad I took off my shirt and was down to my tank top, laying on the cool tile.  With shaking fingers, I tried to call a friend who didn't answer, and then I texted our baby sitter and asked her if she could come.  Finally, I called my husband on his work phone and begged permission to call 911 (It wasn't that he was unwilling to let me do so, I just needed the confirmation that I wasn't overreacting).  When he agreed that I could, I hung up before he even said goodbye and dialed.  Let me tell you, it was the longest call ever.  I checked, it was 9 minutes which is pretty bad when you're in terrible pain and hyperventilating on top of it (I've hyperventilated only 3 times that I can count--once when I had an unexplained pain with Bunny's pregnancy, during labor, and then this past Sunday.  It seems to happen when I feel I've lost control of the situation and I'm in terrible pain).  I could tell the girl on the phone wanted to hang up, but I asked her to stay on the line. Somehow, having her there made me feel better.
Meanwhile, my 3 year old was in our bedroom watching Princess Tiana, and came in once or twice to check on me, and then came in screaming that she couldn't get a dress on her Princess Belle Barbie doll.  Poor thing.  She fully understands that this baby is making me terribly sick, but she still speaks of the baby with love and adoration.  I also remind her that I was very very sick when she was in my tummy too.  I tell her that babies do that sometimes because they need all the food that the mommies are eating and that can sometimes make the mommies feel sick, but it's not the baby's fault because he or she really needs to take the food.  Anyway, it seems to help her understand.  Anyway, at first, I was in the bed with these cramps, and then brought myself to the bathroom to throw up and to try to poop.  When I was in bed, she kept tenderly leaning over and kissing me and telling me she loved me and trying to make me feel better.  I have a daughter with a heart of gold, let me tell you!

So, back to the bathroom.  I finally hung up with the 911 operator after she confirmed they had an ambulance that had responded to the call, and it was just in time because I was able to poop (TMI, I know, but vital to my story).  It wasn't diarrhea at first, I was just super constipated (which this baby has done to me hardcore no matter how much I drink, how many fruits and veggies I consume, or how many Fiber One bars I snack on).  Once I finally got the blockage out (which felt like giving birth in and of itself--cramps and all), the diarrhea came like water, emptying me of any and every bit of hydration my body was clinging too.  I noticed that my hands were starting to lose feeling and curl up, so I ripped the sea bands off, trying to get the blood to flow.  Then I was back to the potty.  That's when my sitter came in. I was in so much pain, but also so embarrassed that she had to be there with me while I hyperventilated half-naked on the potty.  The ambulance came shortly after she did, and the EMT came in, also while I was half naked on the toilet, and talked to me awhile.  Then I asked him to leave so I could get up and cloth myself again, and he graciously did so.

We brought the party out to the livingroom where I was suddenly chilled to the bone, barefoot, and in a tank top and pj pants whining in a corner of the living room floor while my worried babysitter and two EMTs looked on. The sitter grabbed me a blanket and  Bunny grabbed her princess armchair as if to join me (later she told me she'd gotten the chair for me to sit in--isn't she so sweet!?!?!) and my babysitter said that she then dutifully went into the room and grabbed and started putting on her shoes and socks, as if she knew we were going to be leaving.  Meanwhile the EMT was telling me he wasn't comfortable leaving me here and that he wanted to take me to the hospital and I was balancing the huge bill I knew we'd get with my need to be checked out and to make sure the baby was alright.  I went without much argument, actually.  My sitter was thoughtful enough to think of my bare feet and she grabbed me socks  and my purse, and they carried me to my car. Much to my chagrin, one of my neighbors was out front, holding the door as I came out.  She was so sweet, though.  She'd come over to make sure Bunny was taken care of.  Once I got in the ambulance, I asked for my phone, and my sitter found it on the bathroom floor and brought it to me.

The ride there (no sirens or speeding) was both interminable, and also shorter than I expected, since I've driven that route myself many times.  I was in pain the whole time, and still hyperventilating so my pulse was high and my oxygen was low.  They gave me oxygen and then a bed pan, and when the cramps started up again, the EMT apologized and told me he had to check to make sure I wasn't bleeding.  I wasn't.  I whined and complained the whole time, and I was shaking violently--not only from the cold, I guess from the adrenaline too.

When we go to the hospital, I felt myself calming down quickly, and feeling almost normal.  The cramping was still there, but it wasn't intense (I'd actually had two bouts of diarrhea before leaving the house) and it was down from a 7 to a 2 or 3 (on the 1-10 scale).  I also went to the bathroom and emptied my bowels once more. Meanwhile, I started realizing how thirsty I was, and no one would let me drink anything.  Dave came in only five minutes after I had, and it was comforting to have him there.  He was most worried about the baby, though I still wasn't too worried about it.  I was more focused on my discomfort.

After I talked to a million people, they hooked me up to fluids, and gave me some Zofran intravenously, and the ER doctor checked my cervix, which he said was a healthy blue (apparently it's supposed to be blue because of the blood vessels.  Who knew?)  So, it seemed that the baby was fine.  Then, I spent a lot of time in and out of sleep on an uncomfortable OB/GYN bed that's only half the length of a regular bed, but it was okay.  Curled up, I slept like a baby for the moments that someone wasn't coming into my room to check on me or ask me questions.  It's amazing how pregnancy can make a champion sleeper out of me (though I don't sleep nearly as much with this one as I did with Bunny, but then again, I'm only half as busy).

Once the fluids were almost gone (and I was starting to feel a bit better, but still quite thirsty) they told me I'd have to pee.  I felt it was a bit ridiculous to ask for a urine sample from someone who came in dehydrated, but oh well.  I had to wait til I could produce it.  Towards the end of the IV, I realized that my queasy stomach was back because there was no longer any antacid present.  So they pushed some Protonix into my arm, and the ER doctor prescribed some for me as well.  Then, I was not only thirsty, I was starving.  The ER guy found me a couple of saltines, and between those, the ice chips, and a granola bar I found at the bottom of my purse, I was satiated enough not to begin dry heaving again.  Soon, I was able to pee again, and then, thankfully, Dave and I could travel home around 10:30.  We were both starving by that point so we grabbed something from McDonalds (EW!).  I grabbed a chicken ceasar salad because I was hoping it would have romaine lettuce in it. It didn't, the lettuce was wilted and brown, and not worth eating, but I ate enough to get some nutrients into me, and somewhere between starting and finishing the salad, we were home again, thanking our exhausted sitter, and settling into bed ourselves.

Monday morning, however, I had a little more diarrhea, and it was quite bloody and mucosy.  I looked online (which I know one shouldn't do) and was scared to death by what I saw so I called the ER to tell them of the change, and then my midwife who told me to talk to my family doctor.  I went in that afternoon and he checked me and said that there was blood present, and it was probably just hemorrhoids (I've had them off and on since Bunny's birth), but he referred me to a GI doctor anyway, just to make sure it's not something more serious.  He said to try to keep my stool soft so as not to agitate it, but since then, I eat more fruits and veggies every day than anything else, and my stool is still, quite stubbornly hard as I continue to struggle with constipation.  This is hard for me to grasp since I've never had that problem before.  Oh well.

This week, things have been looking up.  I discovered that if I basically eat little bits of food ALL DAY LONG (coupled with my new med combination), I feel almost normal.  I mean, I'm still a bit queasy and have moments I want to vomit, but if I quickly eat something, those moments will pass.  I've even been able to do some housework in the past few days! I cleaned and vacuumed my daughter's room (it was getting to the point that you couldn't see the floor due to the toys), I did a huge load of dishes, did a bit of laundry, and today I worked on Christmas decorations and I swept and mopped the kitchen floor! If I weren't pregnant, that wouldn't be much of an accomplishment, but now, it's the little things that bring me joy.

Bunny seems to be reacting to the pregnancy in her own way.  Between Thanksgiving day and Black Friday, she had four accidents, and let me tell you, this girl never has accidents.  We potty trained her at two years old, and she stopped having regular accidents by about 6-8 months later.  I'm thinking it's probably a reaction to the stress of having a sick mommy and a changed routine.  I hate it, but we spend lots of time watching movies now.  Whenever Daddy's home, the TV is absolutely OFF LIMITS because she spends so much time watching it with me (usually she watches and I sleep) that I have to counter the unhealthiness with abstinence where I can. But then again, Daddy's so tired being a "single parent" these days, that sometimes he just needs the break too.  Oh well.  I'll have to just shrug off the guilt because it's the best I can do.  Once the baby's born, maybe we can put her on a year-long TV fast.  Maybe.  Or maybe not, because maybe I'll find I need her distracted more often.  Oh Jesus, help me.  I just want to be a good mommy!!!

Anyway, despite the drama of this past Sunday, things have leveled out again to a point where I haven't thrown up in nearly a week and I seem to be able to be more productive.  I just hope when that magic number 12th week comes around, things will shift like they're supposed to.  With Bunny, the sickness lasted the whole time, but in the second trimester and on, it was something manageable.  That's all I'm asking for this one.  Though I do have it managed right now, I've done so with lots and LOTS of work on my part, and when I feel well, I'm only just barely holding it together.  I'm one cracker or grape away from losing it.  With Bunny, that passed sometime after the 15th week, or even earlier.  In any case, my 40th week can't come soon enough.  This is gonna be a long, 9 months!

On a positive note, I seem to have gained an inch in the waist.  That makes me super excited.  Maybe I'll look pregnant earlier with this one :-D

Saturday, November 17, 2012

7 weeks

God just multiplied his grace over this week.  On Monday, I had to teach for the first time since the morning sickness had become worse than it was with Bunny.  I was dreading it.  But I planned on getting up as early as possible to get my body adjusted to being awake and hopefully helping the morning sickness to subside earlier.  at 5:30 or so, I woke Dave up who grabbed me a Zofran and a Zantac and then made me scrambled eggs (Just like with Bunny, they work wonders on my pregnant belly).  Then I got dressed and showered and went to work.  I was shocked because I didn't throw up at all! Not once.  I mean, I was nauseated and not feeling well, but things were so much better.  I told my coworkers and my students then (my students were the reason I decided to let the cat out of the bag everywhere but Facebook anyway, because I knew I couldn't hide it from them and that my family and coworkers should know before they did).  As I taught, I don't know if it was because my mind was off of the problem or if it was because God just gave me extra grace or what, but things went so smoothly.

So far this week, I'm still pretty sick, but I only threw up once since last Sunday--that was last night--and it wasn't acidic and uncomfortable like it had been.  It wasn't like it was fun either, but it was bearable.

I got to see my midwife this week.  She saw me this early basically so she could start a chart for me since she'd already prescribed me meds without having met me yet.  I filled out lots of papers, went through a quick "education" of how things go with her midwifery and answered lots of questions.  I was hoping she'd look for a heartbeat or do an ultrasound because she says that they normally check for twins when morning sickness is really bad, but she didn't.  She did, however, send me for some bloodwork.  But anyway, after the visit--which was reassuring--I still have nothing but my symptoms and the pregnancy test (well tests, I did actually take a second one eventually) to prove that there's actually a baby in there.

The toughest thing for me right now is making sure I'm a good mom.  I find I'm short tempered and irritable, mostly because I'm so tired and sick and I'm starting to notice that my lack of attention is taking a toll on Bunny.  I hate that it's that way, but it is.  I'm working hard to make sure we play together a little each day no matter how awful I feel and that if I do have moments of feeling well, they're spent with her.  But I'm also struggling against her new, fresh attitude and the sudden need to have me with her all the time.  We really need to break that habit because once a new baby comes into her life, she's going to have to get used to sharing her time with me.  It's hard because I need to address the new attitude problem and the arguing that happens constantly, but I'm not entirely sure that it isn't just her acting out because of her new circumstances. Play time has become a lot of coloring and watching movies.  If I'm feeling particularly well, I'll skip the TV because more than an hour a day is detrimental to one so small, but many times I just have to survive and doing so means getting into bed with her and a movie.  Overall, though, she's really excited about the new baby.  When we told her, after she processed it she was like, "Okay, when is the baby going to come out?"  and I had to tell her it wouldn't be for a LONG time.  Not until summer.  Hopefully the next few weeks of the first trimester will pass quickly and we can get into a stage quickly where Mommy's feeling better and Bunny can start to see the outward evidences of the new baby in the family. 

I'm not having any cravings this time around.  I'm pretty much averted to all food.  Last week, I'd lost three pounds, but after only throwing up once this week, I'm pretty sure I gained them back.  I also found that eating veggies and meat seem to help the acid that builds in my stomach.  I certainly don't feel as much reflux after eating those things, or even things like applesauce.  I do eat carbs such as crackers or bread, but if I have carbs or especially dairy, the problem is exacerbated.  So right now, the struggle is just making sure I'm fed and that it's something I'll keep down.  The Zofran and the Zantac help immensely with that. I also try to eat foods that neutralize stomach acid.  Veggies and meat are good for that, as is applesauce.  Unfortunately, those things don't keep my belly full for long so I'm constantly hungry and never wanting to eat.

And smells...oh the smells.  I can't stand smelling ANYTHING! I baked pumpkin bread today and I'm now baking some cranberry bread and both usually emit scents that I find tantalizing and homey, but today, the smell is repulsive.

I have noticed a new symptom.  Constipation.  Not fun.  It kinda feels like practice for pushing the baby out.  Yep, I said it.  

Sunday, November 11, 2012

6 Weeks

Things are definitely worse with this one than they were with Bunny now.  I'm throwing up 2-3 times a day and despite many medicines and remedies, little actually makes me feel human.

Zofran--Does relieve the nausea but my stomach is so full of acid that I throw up anyway.

Zantac-- Seems to make me horribly hungry but doesn't seem to reduce acid.  I'm throwing up so often that I'm going to stop taking it for awhile. 

Sea Bands--may be helping the nausea a little, but I'm not sure, so I keep wearing them just in case.

B6--Same as the sea bands.

Ginger--I don't know if it helps at all, but it certainly can't hurt!

I was taking Dramamine for awhile, but the Zofran is replacing that.

Actually, Coke may be helping a little and Tums too.  Funny, becuase Tums didn't touch the problem when I was pregnant with Bunny, but then again, I didn't have acid with her until 3 or 4 months in.

I don't know how I'm going to teach through this.  I just took three days off last week so with that and the weekend I've had five days to just be sick.  Bunny's grandparents even took her for a day and a half of that time and Dave was home for two of those days so I've really gotten to just rest and figure out my body.  I get to see Rosie early due to all this--next Thursday--and maybe she can help some more--though I'm sure she's quite sick of me already because of how often I've been calling.

Bunny's being such a sweet, understanding little dear through this all.  We told her last Wednesday, November 7th and she was very excited.  Now that she knows, and she realizes that Mommy is going to be sick for awhile, she tries to give me things that will make me feel better and prays for and kisses the baby. and she lets me rest for the most part.  She colors and plays with her baby dolls and practices her letters and we watch movies together at 7pm when I'm ready to go to bed and she's not. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

5 weeks

I'm now 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  My morning sickness has been steady, but it's nothing like what I had with Bunny.  I think this is particularly due to diet, and also because I'm more active and responsible now with a child to take care of and a house to upkeep.  I'm sure it helps too that I only work part time and that I'm in a job I absolutely love.

With so much less morning sickness, I anticipate being able to hide this until my first appointment with my midwife on December 13 (@11 weeks) or until I start to show.

A rundown of my symptoms so far:
Frequent urination
Morning sickness
Tender boobs
A tiny bit of blood in nose
I have a super sniffer again
I'm tougher with my students--less tolerant of poor behavior than normal
I'm a bit more irritable
Low aches in uterus area
Food aversions (no real cravings yet)
I'm often cold--which is weird for me since I'm never cold.

I just can't wait to see this heartbeat.  I feel secure about the pregnancy in one sense because it's SO CLEAR how God orchestrated it.  From eating Paleo to starting vitamins the month before, to the inexplicable way God caused Dave to keep our medishare in case I were to get pregnant in the 6 months that he's uninsured by his new job, I feel that God wants this pregnancy--this baby.  But I also worry about miscarriage and I know that God might choose to bring this baby up to heaven rather than to leave him down here with us.  Believe it or not though, I'm okay with that.  I mean, I want this child desperately, but I've come to recognize the soverignty and wisdom of God and to accept that His ways are best no matter what.  That said, though, I'm having difficulty grasping this child as something concrete and bonding with him like a little person without getting to hear the heartbeat.  (I was certainly bonding with Bunny by this point in the pregnancy).  I wish I could find a way to hear it earlier, but I have to be patient--which isn't my strength at all!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Still Pregnant

So, today I was a little encouraged when I woke up to light nausea.  I am also noticing a persistent bad taste in my mouth which was always there at the beginning of Bunny's pregnancy.
I've added a couple of pregnancy apps to my phone and I've been happily researching my baby's development.

I've also noticed slight headaches and the fact that my bowels seem to constantly want to empty themselves.  At first, this worried me because it felt like menstrual cramps but then I quickly discovered what was going on.

I'm so chill about it all this time.  It's so much nicer starting this process after having already seen it through to the end.  I trust God too.  Even if he chooses to allow a miscarriage, I know He has a plan that's for the best.  If I'd only have known that throughout Bunny's pregnancy and infancy, things would have been much nicer for me.

We're considering nursery plans now--a mural in the craft room would be nice, but not a full room mural this time.  Something much more simple and minimal than what I did for Bunny, hopefully.

Monday, October 29, 2012


For most people, today marks the day of the advent of hurricane Sandy, the “Frankenstorm,” but for us, it marks the discovery that our family of 3 is going to increase to 4 in 9 months.  I found out this morning.  Bunny had to pee, and as usual, I did too, but held it while she went.  I started peeing and then thought, I should check since I'm a day late.  So I did.  I peed into the little baby food jar that is always on the window sill since I've been testing just about every month for over a year, and then I put a couple of droplets onto the $.88 test from Walmart.  The second line was faint, but it was there, and since I've been testing for so long, I know that even a faint line means pregnancy.  There's never been even a hint of a line before. So, kneeling against the wall behind Bunny who was washing her hands I yelled to Dave in the other room, "I think I'm pregnant! Really, There are two lines!"

I’m so much more chill this time.  One pregnancy test, no phone calls to the doctor yet… I think it’s partly because I’ve done this before and partly because of the amazing things God has done in our lives this past year.

Let’s see… I wasn’t really too much more convinced I was pregnant this month than any of the 16 that preceded it because since Bunny, I’ve had all the major pregnancy symptoms the week before every period.  However, I did notice I was uncommonly tired (fell asleep during Bible study and during one of my favorite TV shows), and my breasts were more tender than normal.  Yesterday  morning, I noticed an extreme aversion to sugar at R-bury and Jeremy S jokingly made a comment that I might be pregnant.  I also had a dream the night before that I WAS pregnant so I was really hoping it was a sign, and it was, I guess.

I’m so excited.  I didn’t enjoy Bunny’s pregnancy.  It caught me off guard and it was MISERABLE, but after trying to conceive for over a year and failing, I am so enchanted by the idea of living through this miracle again and truly appreciating it.

So, now that I know I’m pregnant, I’m not very sick at all.  Just a tiny touch of manageable nausea before breakfast, and still the tiredness.  There’s been some achy-ness  down below, and I don’t even know if it’s in my head or not.  I can’t relaly call the OB/GYN, or more preferably a midwife because of the storm, but that’s okay.  I’d like to get a blood test or hear a heartbeat just to know it’s all for real and that the baby’s alive, but I’ve waited this long so I’m sure I can wait til that actually happens.
I sorta thought conditions had been prime for this.  I switched to a Paleo diet and my chiropracter assured my my body would have no problem getting pregnant once I was on it.  Also, Dave and I had sex on my ovulation day and the conditions were prime for conception.  Besides, he is finally settling into his new job so ultimately, I just think God thought the timing was right.

I wish we could tell Bunny but I don’t want her to know until the possinility of miscarriage is low.  She’ll be so excited.  She just loves babies.  I think it will be an adjustment oo, but that God will help her get through the paradigm shift.  And, I’m so SO happy she’ll finally have a playmate.  I’ve been praying for that for so long!

As to the gender, I’d be happy with a boy or a girl, but part of me would love to have a boy.  I sort of already feel it’s a boy but I don’t know that this is a reliable thing to go by, feelings I mean.
So, I was four weeks along come last Thursday which means the baby is about as vulnerable as he (or she) can be.  Still, I’m thrilled that God seemed to be providing him all the nutrients he needs because I started taking prenatal vitamins just around a week or two before conception (because I was trying not to get any more ear infections and I feel that vitamins will keep me from getting sick), so even in that, I clearly see God’s hand.

As this day has gone by, I’ve been feeling a bit more nausea, which makes me confident that the baby’s probably safe.