Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I can't even tell you how happy I am to be in double digits now! I realize that 12 weeks, for me, probably won't mean the end of this morning sickness, but at least it will mean I'm closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. It also means that I'm 1/4 of the way through this thing, and so much closer to holding the baby that I have yet to comprehend in my arms for the first time. Sometimes, I think I want the baby to be here more for my daughter than for me. I want her to have the reward of all these weeks of less attention from Mommy. I want her to see the reward that she so longs for of a little baby brother or sister to love and or play with. I think all I want right now (it's sad, but true) is to be at the end of this tunnel so I can feel myself again. A baby in my arms means that a he or she will no longer be living inside of me. Again, I really wish I were one of those glowing women who just love being pregnant, but I'm not. Pregnancy is miserable torture for me with moments of brilliance where I perceive and love the little life that lives inside me and depends upon me. But, all the same, Dave and I made a decision that we won't use birth control again--that things are in God's hands and we trust Him with them. I'm tempted to take it all back after this one--not to trust Him and to make sure I don't go through what I think I can't handle, until I remember how faithful He has been to us and how, despite 16 months of trying to get pregnant, we weren't able to do so until we were in a place where we could financially handle it, and in a place where Bunny would be old enough to have a measure of independence during these weeks and/or months of morning sickness. I want more children and I hate being pregnant. God knows both of those things, and I trust Him with the final outcome.
SO this week, I started throwing up again. Yesterday I threw up twice for the first time since adjusting my meds after my ambulance trip to the ER. I was so bummed. Then this morning, I threw up again. I'm praying that I don't do it once more before bedtime. The good thing is, that I seem to be keeping some things down. I'm not throwing up everything like I did at first so hopefully, no more weight loss. We'll see. Again, it's in God's hands and I trust Him.
Speaking of God, my relationship with Him is really suffering. I miss those peaceful times I had with Him each day during Bunny's naptime in the months before I got pregnant. Now, I try here and there to reestablish that communion with him, but I'm just so darn sick that I'd rather put on mindless TV. It's a shame, really. I'm trying to remedy it, but I'm sort of just waiting this thing out until I feel well enough to focus on God more. And yes, I do realize that I'm doing this thing backwards. I'm still working on it.
I have my GI appointment tomorrow. Not looking forward to yet another doctor's appointment. Tuesday I had to go to a dentist in a rush with a sudden toothache brought on by a piece of gummy candy I eat once in awhile to help with the nausea. They discovered a cavity when I went in for my cleaning, but I was already 5 weeks pregnant by that point so they couldn't do an X-ray or anything to see if it was worse than what it looked like from my last X-rays. They scheduled an appointment to get it filled for January once I'm past my 1st trimester, but anything earlier than that poses a risk to the baby so at this point, all he could do was cover the cavity and seal it to keep things from irritating it until the time is right for them to fix it. Thankfully, though, that did the trick to assuage the toothache.
I'm not sure what else I'll have to look forward to this week as far as miserable symptoms go, but next week, I have the appointment with my midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time so I'm excited. I think--and I emphasize think-- that I felt the baby move yesterday. I know that moms pregnant for the second time can feel the baby earlier because they know what to look for so I decided to concentrate as I laid still and mentally separated the flutterings of my intestines from those in the area of my uterus. They were so SO faint, but they were there. I did feel Bunny first move at 11 weeks, so it's plausible that I'm feeling this one even earlier.