10 weeks

I can't even tell you how happy I am to be in double digits now! I realize that 12 weeks, for me, probably won't mean the end of this morning sickness, but at least it will mean I'm closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.  It also means that I'm 1/4 of the way through this thing, and so much closer to holding the baby that I have yet to comprehend in my arms for the first time.  Sometimes, I think I want the baby to be here more for my daughter than for me.  I want her to have the reward of all these weeks of less attention from Mommy.  I want her to see the reward that she so longs for of a little baby brother or sister to love and or play with.  I think all I want right now (it's sad, but true) is to be at the end of this tunnel so I can feel myself again.  A baby in my arms means that a he or she will no longer be living inside of me.  Again, I really wish I were one of those glowing women who just love being pregnant, but I'm not.  Pregnancy is miserable torture for me with moments of brilliance where I perceive and love the little life that lives inside me and depends upon me.  But, all the same, Dave and I made a decision that we won't use birth control again--that things are in God's hands and we trust Him with them.  I'm tempted to take it all back after this one--not to trust Him and to make sure I don't go through what I think I can't handle, until I remember how faithful He has been to us and how, despite 16 months of trying to get pregnant, we weren't able to do so until we were in a place where we could financially handle it, and in a place where Bunny would be old enough to have a measure of independence during these weeks and/or months of morning sickness.  I want more children and I hate being pregnant.  God knows both of those things, and I trust Him with the final outcome. 

SO this week, I started throwing up again.  Yesterday I threw up twice for the first time since adjusting my meds after my ambulance trip to the ER.  I was so bummed.  Then this morning, I threw up again.  I'm praying that I don't do it once more before bedtime.  The good thing is, that I seem to be keeping some things down.  I'm not throwing up everything like I did at first so hopefully, no more weight loss.  We'll see.  Again, it's in God's hands and I trust Him. 

Speaking of God, my relationship with Him is really suffering.  I miss those peaceful times I had with Him each day during Bunny's naptime in the months before I got pregnant.  Now, I try here and there to reestablish that communion with him, but I'm just so darn sick that I'd rather put on mindless TV.  It's a shame, really.  I'm trying to remedy it, but I'm sort of just waiting this thing out until I feel well enough to focus on God more.  And yes, I do realize that I'm doing this thing backwards.  I'm still working on it.

I have my GI appointment tomorrow.  Not looking forward to yet another doctor's appointment.  Tuesday I had to go to a dentist in a rush with a sudden toothache brought on by a piece of gummy candy I eat once in awhile to help with the nausea.  They discovered a cavity when I went in for my cleaning, but I was already 5 weeks pregnant by that point so they couldn't do an X-ray or anything to see if it was worse than what it looked like from my last X-rays.  They scheduled an appointment to get it filled for January once I'm past my 1st trimester, but anything earlier than that poses a risk to the baby so at this point, all he could do was cover the cavity and seal it to keep things from irritating it until the time is right for them to fix it.  Thankfully, though, that did the trick to assuage the toothache. 

I'm not sure what else I'll have to look forward to this week as far as miserable symptoms go, but next week, I have the appointment with my midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time so I'm excited.  I think--and I emphasize think-- that I felt the baby move yesterday.  I know that moms pregnant for the second time can feel the baby earlier because they know what to look for so I decided to concentrate as I laid still and mentally separated the flutterings of my intestines from those in the area of my uterus.  They were so SO faint, but they were there.  I did feel Bunny first move at 11 weeks, so it's plausible that I'm feeling this one even earlier. 

9 Weeks

The most noteworthy thing that happened this week was that I had what looked like a massive amount of blood in my poop.  It looked like I was on my period.  It was scary, not because I thought I was miscarrying, no, I knew where it was coming from, but because that much blood is not normal.  I already had (have) an appointment with a gastroenterologist because of the blood we noticed after my first ER episode, but when this happened I thought it prudent to call them, and they told me, unfortunately, that I should go to the ER to get it checked out.  Bummer.

My second trip to the ER was much calmer than my first.  I was feeling as well as I can pregnant, and I brought my bag of food and my knitting bag with me so it looked like I was moving in.  I got there and the ER was empty--Praise the Lord!-- so I was seen right away!  The bad news was that they heard my story, checked me out down there quite briefly (and not as thoroughly as my normal doctor had) and said, "We can't really go in there and tell you much.  You'll have to wait til you see a GI doctor."  Great.  So I spent more money on the ER just to be told I shouldn't have gone?  I wasn't too happy.  They did, however do a blood test which came back clear and told me that from all my symptoms, I probably have internal hemorrhoids, which don't hurt at all (true) and which only cause bleeding when one has a bowel movement (also true).  She said that due to my age, anything else would be highly unlikely, though still possible.  So with that, I left with a prescription for suppositories to help the hemorrhoids which, over the course of the week, have seemed to minimize and even eliminate the bleeding. 

The rest of the week, there weren't many more changes.  Some days were better than others.  I didn't vomit at all since my first trip to the ER until yesterday, the 4th, so that's good.  Other than that, I was pretty much feeling queasy most of the time. 

When I could, I made a point of playing with Bunny--any time I was feeling almost normal, or to the point that I could stand such imaginative play.  When I was feeling my worst, I laid down and put on a movie for her to watch.  It's to the point that she wants to watch TV all the time.  I HATE that.  I absolutely hate hate HATE putting her in front of the TV and I am promising myself that when this Hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness) passes, she shall go as many months without TV as she has gone with it.  It's just too much. 

I also discovered, this week, that poor Kate Middleton is suffering from a similar fate as I.  At first I was a bit comforted not to feel alone, but then it made me feel worse, hearing about my condition and it's extremes every time I turn on the TV.  It seems that the princess (or is it duchess?) and I are probably about the same amount of weeks along in our pregnancies--not quite 12 weeks, but too sick to hide it.  Poor girl.  I feel for her.  I'm sort of jealous that she gets such amazing care, and yet I'm glad that the whole world isn't hanging on my every bout of vomiting. 

Teaching is going well.  I have a box of popsicles in a freezer in the classroom across the hall and I eat about three of those throughout the course of my morning (I only teach from 8-noon).  My kids were apprised of the pregnancy way back at 7 weeks because I was too sick to hide it any longer and they're just wonderful, sweet, understanding kids who are being so kind about everything.  Like today, for instance, I was trying to go over the memory verse with the kids and I kept having to catch my breath to keep the nausea away and one of my students jumped up and took over for me.  I could have hugged him right there for his thoughtfulness.  As it was, I said how cute and sweet he was in front of the whole class, effectively embarrassing him and punishing him for his thoughtfulness.  I wish I had tact sometimes.  He didn't seem to mind, though.  He's one of those class-clown types that usually likes any attention, whether negative or positive.  I can relate.  I've always been that way too

As far as eating goes, I'm pretty much safe (so far) if I stick to salads, grapes, apples, eggs, and chocolate almond milk.  Sometimes I throw in some other things, sometimes not.  Usually, anything else--especially grains--just doesn't sit well. 

So that's that.  I wish I weren't complaining.  I don't want to complain, but I'm just so miserable it's hard not to.